27 August 2012

When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire.

Angelina Jolie

The other day, I realized that celebrities are vampires. Actual vampires of the kind you read about in old story books. Vile and viscous monsters, who are out to destroy humanity, not the saccharin sweet caricatures you find in popular tween books. They are out to destroy us and they are succeeding.

It works like this. Celebrity vampires gain their power by sucking up the life force of other people; in particular, by sucking up their time and money. The more life force they are able to suck, the more powerful of a celebrity vampire they become.

The most powerful celebrity vampires are able to suck up hundreds of millions of dollars, the lifetime earnings of hundreds of people, every couple of months! Other celebrities have mindless tv shows, which tens of millions of people watch every week. They are able to consume the lifespans of many people, week after week.

Additionally, the vampires have hypnotized us into caring about their culture. Many more lifetimes are wasted by people worrying about who the vampires are sleeping with, what kind of drugs they use, how big their houses are, and how many cars they drive.

Beware these celebrity vampires. They are out to get you.